You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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