If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
