I like my sex mixed with concussions.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm having to shit out rocks
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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