Your face is a jimmy john
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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