Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
