Im at strip club and am horny
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
