If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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