dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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