So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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