He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
