I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
