I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
