Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
