First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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