you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
