that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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