but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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