Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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