She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
