Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
