I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am spending my child support on dildos
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You were trust falling into bushes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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