The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
