I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
