were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
it's like iHOP with fire
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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