how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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