What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This is the high leading the old right now
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
