you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
