He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
