bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We got so high we made milksteak
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
