I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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