Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
