Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize