I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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