Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
