just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
