Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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