Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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