Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
