I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
