dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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