we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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