im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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