Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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