guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
