I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
