i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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