If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
