This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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