there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize