Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
