I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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