yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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