Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Less talking, more tequila
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
