Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
