just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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