my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
