Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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