I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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