My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
