ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
