...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
