I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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