you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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