The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i now understand why vodka
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
