bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
